Catching Up

I didn't post on here at all in November.  I had found out at the end of September that I was expecting again.  Then I spent a lot of October being very sick with nausea, 24-7.  I did manage to put up a few posts.  However, on November 2nd, I went in for my first ob/gyn appointment at eight weeks.  Everything looked good except the doctor couldn't hear a heartbeat.  She thought that maybe it was too early, but scheduled me for an ultrasound the following week to confirm the pregnancy.  I was a little alarmed because at eight weeks there was a definite heartbeat for all my other kids. 

So we waited the week and I went in to the ultrasound the following Wednesday.  At the ultrasound, the tech got all quiet and then called the doctor in.  She took a look and told me that I needed some bloodwork done and that I was possibly having a miscarriage.  So I went in that day for bloodwork to check my hcg levels.  I went in again on Friday for the same test to see if my numbers were rising, falling, or staying the same.  They were staying the same, but they were really high.  I had started spotting, but I wasn't too terribly concerned because I had spotted in four out of my five previous pregnancies.  I went in again the following Monday for another blood test.  The numbers were consistently high, so they schedule me for another ultrasound.

On November 16th, I went in for a second ultrasound that the doctor did herself.  A couple days before that, I was flipping through my book, "What to Expect When You're Expecting" and had looked up information on miscarriage.  The page I looked at cross-referenced me to something called a molar pregnancy, in which there is an abnormal number of chromosomes that causes the placenta to form as a cystlike bundle of abnormal cells rather than a normal placenta.  If there is fetal tissue, it cannot thrive.  Sometimes there is no fetal tissue.  I read over that section and noticed that one of the symptoms was extreme nausea and brown spotting, both which I had.  But I thought, No way.  It's so rare, that wouldn't happen to me.  And I dismissed it.

Anyhow, as the doctor looked at the screen, I looked too and saw that there was not a fetus in there, something I can now recognize pretty well at 8 or 9 weeks after having had five kids.  I could see something was definitely not right.  There was something in there, but it was not a growing, thriving baby.  My mind went immediately to the molar pregnancy.  The doctor then called us back to a room for a consultation and sure enough, that's what I had.  She scheduled me for a d & c the following day.

So on November 17th, I went in for my d & c.  The labwork came back showing that what I had was a partial molar pregnancy, which meant there was some normal fetal tissue in there.  I learned that a partial molar pregnancy is better because there is less recovery time and less chance of a recurrence.

But now I am recovering.  It will take a while.  I have to go in every week for blood tests until my hcg levels are at 0.  Last week, they were around 12,000 still, but that was down from 400,000 right before the surgery.  I've read it can take a few weeks up to a few months even for the numbers to go back down.   Once my numbers are back down to normal, I have to go in once a month for bloodwork and ultrasounds for six months.  At that point, if everything has stayed normal and looks good, I will be given the go-ahead to try for another baby.

I have lost a pregnancy.  It's hard to bear emotionally.  Yet, I already have five kids, for which I'm extremely grateful.  But we do want one more.  I am okay talking about it and I promise I probably won't get teary-eyed.  But I will be straightforward.  I don't want people telling me that it's not a big deal, that we can probably have another child, etc., etc.  I know they are just trying to be reassuring and thoughtful, but it doesn't make it easier.  Because I'm nearing 35, my risk for a repeat molar pregnancy is higher than it would have been ten years ago.  So spare me the "I knew someone who had a molar pregnancy and went on to have three more kids" because they probably weren't almost 34 when they had their molar pregnancy.  Also, because of my age, the chance of having the molar pregnancy turn cancerous (sometimes the cells can spread and cause a cancer that is highly treatable), which also increases the risk of a repeat molar pregnancy.  And please, don't tell me that five kids is enough and ask why I would even want six. 

I am hopeful that everything will work out.  I am hopeful that sometime soon I will get the good news that my levels are back to normal and we can start the six month waiting period.  I had another blood test yesterday and am just waiting to hear back on the results.  I have a follow-up appointment in two weeks to check everything and make sure things are going back to normal.  I am hopeful that despite my age, this will all work out and we will be able to have another baby.  It wasn't how I wanted things to work out--at this point, I'd be about 14 weeks along and feeling better and soon finding out if it's a boy or a girl.  I think I will have moments in the next five months where I will feel very sad that this all happened.  But I do remain hopeful that we can still have one more baby.

Pregnancy loss is a difficult thing because you grieve and that's normal, but there is very little support for something that didn't completely exist in the first place.  I hope that my friends and family can be understanding of this and not try to minimize my loss.  Now, I will move on and blog about all the happenings in November that I skipped over because I was dealing with all this stuff!