I think that four-year-olds are harder than three-year-olds. They're asserting their independence, and that makes them rather difficult to deal with sometimes. Of course, you need to give them situations where they can be independent yet still make good choices to learn how it feels to make the right choice. It's hard to give them this type of freedom though, especially for your first child. Obviously, a ten-month-old isn't capable of making choices at all, so the parents must make all choices for them. But a four-year-old is capable of making quite a few choices and must be given the liberty to do so.
For example, a ten-month-old just wants to learn about everything. So instead of leaving a house full of breakable and dangerous items, we, as parents, move these items up to higher levels out of the baby's sight and put items lower that the child can play with. Then the child does not have to choose which items are okay to play with and which ones are not. But a four-year-old can decide between an item that is safe and one that is not, like whether they should play with a knife or a toy car. Tempting as the knife might be, a well-taught four-year-old chooses the toy car and knows that he/she has made a good choice when the parents do not scold. They probably have been warned before not to touch the knives in the kitchen and perhaps have even had experience being punished for trying to play with one.
Currently, our four-year-old is giving us trouble. I recognize that many of the issues that we tend to battle about are really just a quest for more independence on his part. The problem is that I don't always know where to draw the line. How far do I let him go before I tell him he can't make that choice? If he makes a bad choice, like talking back to Mom and Dad, is he really trying to be defiant and downright rude or just trying to assert some independence? I'm sure the best way to teach him not to talk back is not spanking, but sometimes, when he goes on and on and won't be quiet, I have a hard time controlling that hand. Or when he acts out because he has to leave the pool before he's ready. I can understand not wanting to leave, and that's a fine opinion to have, but how do you properly teach him that he shouldn't have a wild temper tantrum because he doesn't want to leave? How do I teach him a proper outlet for his frustration? I just don't know. It seems easier than it is. Logically, I should be able to tell him that behavior is inappropriate, of course in his terms, and reward him when he behaves appropriately even though he's angry. But often the problem lies merely in the inability to calm him down. Usually, once he's calmed down, he doesn't even care or really remember why he's so upset. And then it's worthless to try and bring it up because he sweetly smiles and says, "okay, Mom," although I can tell he doesn't even get what I'm trying to tell him.
I guess it's just a constant learning process. Lucky me, I have at least three more kids to do this with. I hear it only gets better...
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